Combating Grief After Dear Wife Said Goodbye To The World

1.  Six months ago at 1230 hours on 28 Nov 2015 Sudesh went away – beloved wife closed her eyes.  Several hours earlier she had no idea she was going so quickly. We both were in the hospital room of one of the foremost Cancer Hospital & Research Centers of the world – Sunny Brooks Hospital, Toronto. Breathlessness had overtaken her a couple of days earlier. Speaking became very difficult. So she wrote instructions for me using perfectly spelt complex words where an English teacher in a Convent School could make a mistake. Very confident, ever alert, self-assured traits – that is how she went & that is how she was known by everyone who knew her. She held my hand firmly, very firmly, and gave her typical mischievous smile in the middle of the night, say eight hours earlier, as though she was deliberately testing me – I was holding back my emotions as only I knew what was impending. It is so strange living by yourself without one who had been your nearest one for forty years. Grief, sadness are hard hitting words but can be handled.

2. Sudesh & I met 21 Feb 1976, got engaged 22 Feb & wedded 23 Nov 1976. An amazing girl – rare amalgam of very modern & utterly traditional; loved parties, music & dance floors & yet would recite ‘Aartis’ of every religious occasion & ‘Shloks’ by heart that would do credit to a Pandit ji. Fun loving, she was loved for her spontaneous uninhibited laughter – “I wish I could laugh like you!” was a desire expressed by many so often. She taught in schools & colleges in stations where we were posted, she ran a successful boutique in Delhi & as a typical regimental lady, “did nothing” when the situation demanded. Multi talented, she particularly excelled in the creative culinary field – even converted a couple of “langar cooks” into chefs who today are flown by air in the civilian world to teach other chefs! More about her later.  How to combat grief is the Blog.

3. The last rites were performed in a Funeral Home in Toronto.  She was dressed in one of her favorite saris, as she lay in the coffin, looking resplendent as though she was embarking on a party – that was always her style. Nice send-off was one good feeling; it’s the last time that we shall see her that was swelling the eyes with salt water. Daughters, Sons-in-Law, me maintained composure with enormous difficulty, not adequately, but to the extent possible. And then she was gone, slid into the electric crematorium – what a hollow feeling. The grief really hit us then. We went home – to a home in which we shall never be able to hug her again.

4. We came to India with her funeral remains straight to Haridwar from the airport & then to Chandigarh. Forty eight hours later on 08 Dec 2015 was the Prayer Meet “Shanti Paath”. For me, the real combat with grief was triggered when Anaiya, our seven year old Grand Daughter, spoke on stage to the large gathering at the mandir. What an innocent & yet a warm, heart-stirring speech, conceived it herself, wrote it herself with a little editing by her Dad - I shall soon tell you about that. Till then, I can only say that grief can be overcome – time is a healer as they say but how does one keep waiting for time. For a soldier “combat” is a word that comes naturally when facing a grave situation. The hard reality is that one partner has to go first leaving the other behind, but why so early, why so quickly & why with such little notice! There are some things other than “time the healer” – those in the next Blog.